If you did you would never have said that. I have a career, a huge job I go to everyday where my decisions effect many, many people…. Please lets ditch the condescending attitude towards stay at home moms. We gals need to stick together not tear each other down. Why is it that stay at home moms, for the most part, respect working moms and single mothers because they realize their worth?
But, many working mothers get so mad when they read an article like this and put down stay at home moms and show them unnecessary disrespect. Why is there a double standard? The previous posts by Jessica H. So, what is your agenda Jessica H.? Are you just out to get stay at home moms? You clearly have no idea. To go to work is to have a break.
Mothers who leave the home and go to work are not dealing with yelling, crying and disobedient kids all day long. You literally get a hour break from all that during the day. Taking care of kids full time is very taxing on the mind and body. No one would doubt you are doing double duty! And for that matter, so is corporate America. We also have to keep the house from crumbling, hopefully get dinner on the table and send the kids to school and all their after school activities in clean clothing.
My god. Hoping to get to sleep by 1am. And by the way….. And I was speaking from my pre motherhood experience which was not executive level. You too, girl, because you are clearly a hard worker in all areas! Oh Danica, I really pray that you have some other support around you. Boys will give you a run for your money and one coming up on teenage yeras! I really do get what you are saying. I have done it both ways but I am a little offended by what you said. Not all SAHM stories are the same.
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I am more exhausted Now than I ever was working. My husband and I own a trucking company so he is gone and I am in charge of the house, bills, kids, etc. But I also,work for the business as dispatcher, accountant, Secretary, etc. I have never been so busy in my life. When he is home I try to keep him happy and spend quality time with the boys. Regardless, just know not all SAHM situations are the same. We have no idea how bad the other is feeling. What I do know is this whole being a mom thing? Kinda sucks sometimes. We are always on alert, noticing, thinking ahead, watching out, planning, remembering, putting others first and at our own expense…the mental load is incredibly large and overwhelming and we can all do with a little more compassion.
Society is hard enough as it is on mothers; we can do no right and face criticism and judgement at every angle. Everyone deals differently, some could even say the same to you! Clearly you have a lot on your hands and I wish only rest and happiness in your life. I have done both, working mom and stay at home and I have to say I was happier and less stressed when I worked.
Ok, to all the moms on here I respectfully say we are all tired obviously. This is to help those who are stay a home. If you want an article on Workin moms, find one. Anything to help you. The exhaustion is very real and people seem to forget those with anxiety or depression in which they have a very hard time controlling. When I worked, there were days when I was super tired and missed my kids, but then there were days I was thanking the lord to be able to drop them off at the babysitters house for hours.
It not a matter of being a good or bad mother or hard working or stay at home. But the truth is, on top of all the stress we get from the kids all day, we stress about everyone else too. And sometimes I feel like I fail them that way because I have my limits and meltdowns. Currently locked in my bathroom while my 2 kids are constantly beating on the door asking how long I will be Searching for my peaceful place. I have 5 kids, from years old.
Thank you for this article. Nobody gets it, husband nor kids. I appreciate your blog and, as a working mom, was hoping there would be a little encouragement for us too…and I noticed it in your responses to others. Thank you. I am tired of the battle between working outside home moms and stay at home moms.
Nobody ever asks teachers and nurses how they deal with working mom guilt. That is weird to me. We all have our reasons. It is not a contest. I agree, Renee. Thanks for noticing that I do try to validate everyone, though I can only write from my own perspective as one who stays home. The age gap between them is a constant struggle. I am beyond a nervous breakdown, the thought of breaking down Gives me anxiety in itself.
Talk about a vicious cycle! My brain is on overload and my body can hardly keep up. I had a very unfortunate upbringing, no good example of family, or values, to keep it short. I struggle with, am I doing this right?. The uprising of my kids is my ultimate struggle daily. I have no one to turn too for the advice or positive reinforcement nor a break.
There is pretty much no need to even include my spouse as he lacks in many areas than I can mention. Above all else that I love them unconditionally. It is so emotionally draining now im home with my little one and my ears are hypersensitive that some days its too much. This post was eye opening and should be given to every Mom out there. I wish all husbands with litle kids or babies can read this! Then when he was at vaction n saw hiw much work was taking care of the baby n home he was shock.
But then he forgot. I used to explain it as always being responsible, but that term means nothing to many of the current generation. I agree with your post. No time to relax because someone could get hurt. I am going to use this the next time someone tells me I look tired. Thanks so much for posting this article. It really helps tremendously just to know that someone knows where I am coming from.
This past week has been a bad one. If you are so exhausted, throw him into daycare.. Anyway, thanks so much for posting this! You are so right… stay at home mothering is a really tough job. So yes, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I hope you and other moms out there can get some support for getting some self-care in. I also have the experience of suffering from PTSD in recent years.
The former is an alertness that is very tiresome, but the latter is something that is crippling and painful in ways that are hard to even describe. Just wanted to chime in, as there are many of us with PTSD who are fighting for hope and understanding and healing. Thanks for listening. Thanks for that, Linda. You are so right that a heightened sense of f-o-f souls not be compared to true PTSD.
I just found this article and just about died. My husband wondered why I wanted another baby we are expecting 4 and my others are 5 and under. I felt a little better when I read your post about how much I do already just keeping them alive and happy. As I am typing this my kiddos are in a bedroom playing together and giggling. My kitchen is a mess and there is laundry on the floor but I must be doing something right. Leslie, I feel so much the same. We in SA have school holidays. I have a maid that comes in tomorrow I hope but she was off for a week so I had to do the chores around the house, remembering to make food for girls aged 5 and 3 and then remembering by 3pm I havent had anything to eat all day.
Was lucky to take naps with them for 2 afternoons but thought ill clean up so we can all get tot bed early as its my Birthday tomorrow. Need to fone courier people early first as takealot lst his Christmas gift and want to go collect it as its finally in our town! Then be at salon at 8 to have my hair blown so I can at least look like a woman for one day.
Nails not painted cause wont last long with dishes etc but I dont mind. Need to also get to the office to do our business month end but seems that has to wait as daddy has his off day with friends on Thursday. I made the girls bed, pillows and dolls how they must be, gave them baths and got clothes ready for everyone.
Sat for one minute and heard commosion. Daddy and them having bed fight in their room. Chased them all to bed now as daddy went to bed to sleep. I tidied up inside and came in their room. Bedding everywhere, dolls and pillows. So I had to make up the bed again. But flip doesnt anyone care? If I chill out, no one has clothes to wear or food to eat and who do they come asking then?
Next week its back to fullday job and the worries of our own business to keep afloat. I love my kids to bits but do you also wish you can just take the day off. Still be at home but just lie on coutch and watch a movie!! Not an animation or pg. When daddy walks in from work I think yay, ask him! The run to him and say Daddy!!! I was in hospital about 2 months back for 2days, stomach problems. First thing when I came home, my little girl asked mommy, can I have oros? I said yes you may and hello to you too. Misd you too. This is my only time off in a year. Having our own business I work from 7am to 6pm then have to spend time with kids, cook and get suitcases and clothes ready all before bedtime at 8pm.
Then need to be a good wife and be all cheered up when husband comes home. Im not sure of money everymonth as finances are not what it must be so those worries too. Arranging all my moms things too as shes 72 and needs her medical aid updated, her other things also.
Has a sister who doest care and brother neither. Had her car fixed now and I feel im going to loose it. Have been to dr but sending me to phsycyatrist who charges R for 30min session. Now I must tell my whole life story in 30min to a total stranger AND pay him as much as I nearly earn per month? I agree!
As a stay-at-home Mum for nearly 6 years, I you also get very lonely and crave adult company. You may feel alone, but in feeling so, you are definitely not alone. Also, I disagree that my ride home is a time to relax. And I still think about and worry about my son the whole time. I still get up in the night during his growth spurts and then have to get myself out of the house in the morning. I still have to get dinner, the housework, and appointments done when I get home. Still, I do understand your points and agree that being a mom is tiring because it is an act of selflessness over and over again as you care for your children.
But hey, at least I made it to the dentist appointment! Now I understand why I am exhausted until the kids are sound asleep in their beds at night and then, miraculously, I am wide awake. I am a single Mom to 5 awesome daughters. I have 2 in college and 3 in elementary school. Although, I have raised independent, athletic and intelligent girls I have to look at pictures to remind myself and to remember the early young days. I was always present but it was like a fog. I truly enjoy the 3 youngest now because I am so afraid of not remembering those best moments.
I would give anything today for those baby days when I could nap with my twins or just smell a clean baby just out of the bath LOL I know I am crazy…these crazy days shall pass all too quickly. Enjoy those babies every stinky messy one of them. It will be gone in the blink of an eye :. Amazing Lisa! Idk how long ago you wrote that but hope you have lots of wonderful grandkids by now! I could never do what you ladies do. And I only have a dog! I think my exhaustion stems from not only the hyper vigilance regarding their safety but also their discipline.
When I was a working mom, I still thought about my babies when someone else was taking care of them, worried about their safety, etc, but I could still think about other work things and focus on them successfully. Staying at home full time I feel like my brain is on constant overdrive, thinking about the safety worries while also dealing with every tantrum or potential tantrum or even good behavior moments.
Great points. Kids are more a mystery than some grown up things we pursue. And I am similar to you! So true — trying to choose the very best words all the time no matter what else is going on to occupy your brain. Oh how I needed to read this today! Stay strong, mama! There is a hardness albeit different to every way we choose to parent because simply put, parenting is just hard! For me, I do not want to work and be a Mommy.
I am so thankful that I get to stay home and that my hubby is good with that! But Lord have mercy I am exhausted!! It often hits me in the morning. My biggest beef, or trouble is when moms of older children tell me to enjoy it while I can because they grow up so fast! Leave the laundry and dishes, etc etc etc. Come on folks! I KNOW kids grow up fast. I have a 9 yr old. I would give anything to go back and hold him as a baby or 2 yr old again just once. I spent most of his first year in a fog.
So I know. Nor will I. And somebody has to do the laundry, the dishes, the picking up and the bathroom cleaning after the 9 yr old boy.
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You cannot unring a bell. We are saying it not to piss you off like I seem to have done but rather to let you know that the hard days will pass because we have lived it already. You are lucky to be able to stay at home with your children while your husband works. Your children are lucky as well. Your frustration seems to be misplaced.
The truth hurts and no one enjoys every minute of it but some of us who have children are the only providers and income earners in the home. Some of us miss the milestones and the firsts because we do not have the luxury of being able to watch our children grow. Yes, we have made choices but to us Mothers who have to work 2 jobs to take care of our children women like you appear as high maintenance whiners who complain about no time and being exhausted yet you are still able to fire two paragraphs in response to a simple comment.
Hope you get the rest you need :. I think your article applies to more than just SAHMs. Talk about hyper-vigilance? Talk about multi-tasking? You are too right, Erin! Never meant to alienate or divide just can only write from my own perspective! This make so much sense. I have 9 months old twins who are always crawling and climbing in different directions. Not to mention teething so up all night crying! This is spot-on. I loved reading it.
Thanks for putting into words the reality of our days being hypervigilant! Great article! Now I know why I feel this way and that I am not alone! Despite cleaning everyday, The house is always a mess and it seems my husband is never pleased and believes I am lazy. Plus I do not have family to help out since they all live far away.
I am exhausted in particular by outings. Between the potential for car seat meltdowns, explosive spit-ups and disastrous diaper blow-outs it has me on edge every time we leave the house in the car. Luckily we live in a walkable neighborhood so I take a few days a week to be car-free! Rachel I so agree. It is usually not worth it for me! Hunh… this actually make a lot of sense.
And I seem able to hear little noises my kids even when no one else can. Also have never drunk poison, been kidnapped, set themselves or anything else on fire, and not killed either of our pets. Thanks for this awesome post, it really does explain a lot. Go Mamas! That pretty much explains it all. Fine piece of writing thank you. As a husband and dad its sometimes hard to understand why my dear wife is so tired. But I know our youngest little monster just sucks oht every last bit of attention that at night, all my wife wants is to drop down and sleep. Now I understand that sleep will not solve it.
But a short holliday without th kids might help. I am a full time oncology nurse and new mom. I think clumping working moms into a business lady who gets 1 hour lunch and wear cute Clothes, is ignorant. I get home and do all the same laundry and dishes as everyone else. Almost all of my coworkers wish they could have your life. I was only speaking of my experience working before children, most certainly not all jobs! Never meant to invalidate all you do, girl! Just speaking the truth from my perspective. I started a small blog about just finding 5 minutes for myself ever day.
Sounds insane but when you have small kids 5 minutes for yourself is actually hard to find and I found it really did help me when I did. I started making lists of small things that take 5 minutes or less to feed a mothers physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual needs. I was so disconnected from myself.
I am also just plain tired. Seems like there is always someone awake in this house. Libby that is an awesome idea. A lot can happen in 5 minutes to help you make it through until the next 5 minutes. Feel free to put up a link! Wow this is pretty sexist. Of course not, Graham!!!! It was great to read all of your posts. I understand everybody of you. I live in Germany and have two kids. I expect German mothers to write similar things.
I think, it all depends on the help you get from your husband, family, friends or neighbours. Some mothers here have so much help from most times the grandparents. Often, I want that, too. This negative discussions do not help and are exhausting. In Germany, mothers often work part-time, and often they are so clever to work for example two full-days and one half-day.
The other two days they have for housework and so on. Sometimes when they have their full-day, at the same day, their husband has got home-office, that means, brings the kids to kindergarden and back again. My situation is different; I work every day. But I work part-time, and that means, I do not miss important steps in the development of my kids. An important factor is the kind of job. Yes, there are plenty of jobs that are far away from career, and I often hear the mums say, that their job as a mother is much harder than their paid job.
What makes me really angry is, when my husband says — and he does not stop saying this! Sorry, for the numerous writing faults in my post. Thanks Eva for sharing. I pray you guys find some peace during this season! It happens on every blog posts that talks about this. Not dragging each other down. You wanna know why were tired?
Why we are ALL tired? Because were grownups. We are no longer children. We are people getting older, with not as much energy that we used to have, we are tired cuz were grownups doing grownup things. As soon as you get married your life changes. It is going to be tiresome looking after others as opposed to looking out for only yourself. It is called growing and maturing. And guess what? That tired feeling? It may seem to lessen with time as your children get older but truth is that we just get used to the tiredness. It becomes who we are and we learn to deal with it better. Great, well written article by the way!
You just have to end after thirty minutes. They looked to make all our voices monolithic. Creative risk, for black sitcom creators, still felt unfairly risky. It had to be great. But to fail spectacularly he had to first get on the air. He wrote the pilot accordingly. There was a standard cold open: a flash-forward to Alfred played by Brian Tyree Henry shooting a guy in a beef outside a liquor store.
There was even some Twitter bait: a bow-tied guru who offered Earn a Nutella sandwich on the bus, and who, by TV logic, would inevitably return to guide him down some mildly surprising path. I was Trojan-horsing FX. But the C. So the weirdness commenced. In the metaphor, a thing that looks like a horse contains surprises for your enemies. He just watched and flinched and got yelled at to grow up.
The biggest innovation was that the narrative never advanced: Earn and Alfred made no headway. The lone moment of arrival felt like a setback. As the season progressed, we realized that Earn secretly wanted one thing very badly: a place to stay. In the final minute of the last episode, we see him for the first time in his only actual home—a cot in a storage unit.
But as I watched it more it began to reveal itself to me. Watching it felt luxurious. The seventh episode, written and directed by Glover, broke format completely. The only familiar character was Paper Boi, who appeared as a panelist discussing trans issues. But I came to understand that he had a larger structure in mind than any of us knew. Donald and his collaborators are making an existential comedy about the African-American experience, and they are not translating it for white audiences.
I surprised them up front by telling them I wanted to make them money. Fuck them! The shades were drawn and there was no apparent pulse of life. Finally, Glover cracked the door, blinking. The house felt like an encampment: a stroller thrust aside, boxes stacked by the door. Glover was wearing a white T-shirt and a brown wool cape and pants, like an off-duty ringmaster. Growing up, Donald was light-skinned and sunny, and his friends were the white kids at his school for the performing arts; Stephen was darker-skinned and stoic, and his friends were the bused-in black kids at his school, which was not for the performing arts.
I have to rap! It made me super-black. As the brothers grew up in Stone Mountain, just east of Atlanta, they came to share an understanding that life was a bad dream and that laughter was a way to wake yourself up. After they had Donald and Stephen, the couple took in numerous foster children and adopted two of them: some of the children had been molested, some had parents who were murdered, some would die.
That still feels like a family tragedy. They believed that Satan controls life on earth, that only a hundred and forty-four thousand anointed Christians will be saved to Heaven with Jesus, and that we are living out the last days before Armageddon. Beverly Glover forbade all television but PBS—animal shows and slavery documentaries.
Donald, Sr. Glover announced early on that he wanted to attend N. When Nintendo 64 came out, in , his mother declared it too expensive.
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Glover hugged him and fell backward. But it was also exhilarating. So I went home and shot baskets in our driveway for six hours, until my mother called me in. And I realized my superpower. I learn how Marvel movies work, how to handle guest stars, how to make execs happy when they come on set. I gain some of your power. I was only worried how people might take it, that I was just coming in as the creator and assuming I could be a director. And then he won an Emmy!
Probably just people. I feel like Jesus. I do feel chosen. Glover had a nearly wordless exchange with her that conveyed concern for her health, the duty to remain with me, and a curiosity about dinner. He stretched his legs, wincing. Do you look up to anyone? Elon is working on ways for storytelling not to be the best way of spreading information. Amy Seimetz studied the playback of a Fastnacht scene and cracked up. Seimetz motioned Glover over to the monitor to watch, and he cracked up, too. Wearing the mask pushed up on his forehead, Glover wandered into the parking lot outside the set, a Moose Lodge in Griffin, Georgia, an hour south of Atlanta.
It was a balmy evening, near sunset, and Seimetz was going to shoot the final scene for another episode across the road. I get nervous when my baby is in my husbands care and he starts to cry i feel like he does something wrong and would rather just do everything hustle isntead or ask him for help.
Despite loving him intensely and knowing I would never hurt him in a million years. I thought my husband and baby would be better off without me. I got help early and now when something crops up I can deal with it rationally and it goes. I had a traumatic birth and so when I thought I might have accidentally gotten pregnant with a second child, I imagined aborting the baby to avoid giving birth again. This was a wake up call for me because I have always wanted two kids.
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I went to see someone. I am exhausted. No one understands how anxious and tired I am. The heart palpitations I get laying in bed after the madness of the day is over. I can only hope my children know that they are so loved, despite how inadequate I may feel about my parenting sometimes. Because of how scared I am of everything having to do with my child I should never have had a baby.
I was terrified in the middle of the night that I would faint or trip with my baby while passing the stairs and she would fall down all of them and either die or be terribly injured. I was terrified that because I was the only one awake, everyone would blame me if something like that happened… and if I had already shared some of my scary thoughts, they would think I did it on purpose and take my baby away from me. You hear all the time that the mother never knew. I felt that no one wanted me or my baby around. I switched to formula and the change was like night and day. I was hit worse with my second child but a wonderful nurse saw I was struggling while I was still in the hospital.
I had to stay longer because of a Csection. If you need meds, take them. I want my previous life my back. I hate myself for feeling like this. I hate myself because of this. I feel very overwhelmed with anxiety whenever she is awake. Is she eating enough? My baby is 15 months. There is constant chores and the demands of a toddler are so unbearable sometimes. I love breastfeeding but some days when she wakes up i just dont want her to touch me and i feel like im trapped and i want to run and scream.
While pregnant, I struggled with urges to punch myself in the stomach or overdose on Plan B. I worried I would cease to exist. I stopped sleeping entirely. I could never settle down. They were so vivid that I began to think they were inevitable — that I was going to hurt my baby. My mom finally took me to the ER, and I was admitted to the psychiatric unit for 5 days. Even from this darkest place, I found a way out — with help — a lot of help. I was forced to give him donated breastmilk for 1 week in his 2nd week as the LC convinced us that it is better than the FM we were giving.
We were so desperate that we just agreed to it even though we knew that the donated breastmilk was not properly screened and had no idea how long it has been kept. Until today, i am worried about the possibility of diseases being transmitted to LO thru those donated breastmilk and i hate that LC to the core.
Once when I was in the kitchen I had this horrible thought jump into my head.. I could slit her neck. It shocked me to my core, I felt so repulsed for thinking such an awful thing. This thought still plays on repeat at times and everytime it comes back I feel sick to my stomach and so ashamed that my mind would ever have such a thought. I was worried that I would find my baby had died during her sleep. The lack of sleep made the anxiety worst.
So I got help, I talked, I developed coping strategies. It makes me feel so useless no matter how much I do. All I could do was cry …day in day out. The thoughts oh being a worthless mother fled my mind every second of the day. I finally decided to get help, it was a long journey of switching meds and probably will be but every day gets just a lil bit better. I would place my son in a laundry basket when doing laundry. Many times I almost cried because of how intense and overwhelming the thoughts of putting him in the dryer were.
In reality, it led to a mental breakdown while I was watching my 18 month old on my own. It left me with almost 50 stitches from self harm, a two week hospitalization, and a major loss of trust with my husband. I was so worried about losing my family that I lost myself instead. Breastfeeding kept me alive during my lowest moments, but it also stopped me from getting more intensive help. When my first child was born we owned a gun. My husband asked if I could bring it to him so he could clean it. What if I shoot myself?
One squeeze changes it all. One squeeze ruins it all. I lose my life. I never told him the real reason. Please God, watch over him. Why would I even want another baby? Why would she ever say that to me, I loved my child more than anyone ever loved another. The crying, my feelings of inadequacy in being a first time mom, all of it.
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The worst part is that when I imagined these things happening, my first thought was about whether my husband would ever forgive me, not about how terrible it would be to lose our daughter. I had a traumatic birth and was rushed into surgery straight away. When being taken to surgery I was thinking to myself that I was definitely going to die and how sad people will think it is that I never got to see or hold my baby. I worry about everything that most people worry about, but one day from exhaustion I had a complete breakdown that came out of nowhere. I was scared about my baby waking up and that I would have to pick him up, convinced that I would drop him taking him downstairs, scared to even change his nappy.
I then had awful intrusive thoughts about when if I hurt him and not even realised. That alone made me feel so much better. It took me around 2 months to get over it. I was very scared to get help as I thought my baby would get taken away from me. I have this fear that while my baby is playing on the floor I will step on her by accident. Or I will drop her over the banister at the top of our staircase so I hold her extra tight around that corner. I want to cry all the time.
I hate sex. I hate when my husband makes me feel like I made the wrong choice about anything having to do with our baby. My birth mother was unstable and took anger out on the kids, they never gave my husband a chance, and my Dad mentioned in passing that we shook our baby to burp him. I check over my shoulder for anyone paying attention to us in the grocery store. I thought I was unfit to be a mother and that by giving birth I ruined three lives; that of our daughter, my boyfriend and my own.
We are all very happy now! I am terrified on the highway since my son was born. The fear developed overtime and I can no longer drive on the highway, let alone handle being a passenger. Anytime I know I will be going on the highway I am in panic-mode all day. My husband does not understand the fear at all and says I make him anxious when he is driving.
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I constantly have images of me hurting my baby. The images are so vivid and terrifying that sometimes I have to put my baby down and go to another room to cry, whenever this happens I feel that my whole body is on fire and I itch everywhere I end up turning red. I had thoughts of running away. Suicidal thoughts. Driving off a cliff. These thoughts were repetitive. My stomach felt like it was in knots. I wanted to die. I had rage. I hated the world. I hated my husband. Everything seemed like it was a conspiracy.
And that longing mixed with guilt at not immediately loving motherhood was a horrible cocktail of anxiety and unhappiness. Then I was super anxious about keeping him on a schedule. I obsessed over doing everything at a particular time every day. It was almost like my anxiety found a home in the compulsion of establishing a daily routine. As the routine became more entrenched in my life, the monotony of the routine started to break me down bit by bit.
We need to speak the secret thoughts we all hide. We are amazing, all moms are absolutely amazing. After my son was born, I was afraid of him. Like sometimes I would look at him in the dark in the middle of the night and he would look back at me and I was positive that he was evil. It terrified me and I never told anyone about it. I resent my baby for being so miserable and I fear my resentment will somehow manifest a terrible tragedy or that he will die or become disabled and it will be my fault.
I fear he will be a challenging child too and it makes me want to just leave him. I want to leave them every day. With my first child, I was convinced that there would be a fire in the house while I was having sex, and that the baby would die in the fire. With my second, I was even more of a mess. I was convinced I was going to hurt him, to stab him to death or drop him on a hard floor. I put all my energy into maintaining a facade of happiness and normality while inside I was going crazy. Horrible times.
I held my five day old baby girl over the bed and wondered what would happen if I just dropped her. I regretted getting pregnant and wanted to give her away. Sometimes I think about running away. Just get in the car and never come back. I had thoughts about getting up in the middle of the night and just driving away and disappearing. I just wanted to be alone. When I was young my father took me to see an old Navy aircraft carrier that had been turned into a museum. I would love to share this experience with my own son, but all I can think of is him falling from the ship into the gator infested waters below.
I have felt him go limp in my arms. I hear all the time how my thoughts are unfounded. My husband. My family. The family next to us in the NICU with their two tiny boys. Going home with one boy. One, when there should have been two. My eyes are open. Sometimes I just want to yell! This illusion of the immortality of the innocent is all in YOUR head. I work full time and had no help with her. I started seeing visions of her being smothered with a pillow like it was a movie playing on repeat every night. After several nights I took myself to the hospital. While that was a terrible experience in its self I was able to finally take the steps I needed to get real help.
And googling things all day long does not help. I have intrusive thoughts of my baby dying. I try so hard to push them away, but sometimes they are overwhelming. One time when my baby was fussing and I was getting angrier with rage, baby brought his finger near my mouth. And I had this huge urge to bite him I was so furious. But then it scared me to death by what I just felt like doing to my baby. Biting someone with anger is an instant reaction and it made me so so scared that I had this feeling with my baby.
I got more depressed thinking what if I had really bitten him that day. I would have been proved mad and my baby taken away from me. Everytime I walk near the stairs I imagine my 3 months old baby falling of my arms downstairs. But I would give my life for her. Crashing the car with her in it. Me surviving but not her. Scaring her because a symptom of anxiety I get is that I get acutely upset and panic. I had intrusive thoughts with all three of my children. With the first I had visions of dropping them down the stairs, with the second I imagined opening a window and dropping them out and with the third I imagined opening the lit stove and putting them onto the fire.
Oh I put him in the fire. My husband also had them. I just found this website today and the minute I read the symptoms, I sobbed. My son is almost 7 months old. To the point that he always sleeps with me. The only time he naps on his own is at daycare. This obsession probably stems from my abusive childhood.
Or me hurting him and him reaching out to me to get me to stop and love him Or some one else hurting him. Or something happening to me and he never gets the comfort he needs from anyone else. Once, I was holding him peacefully and out of nowhere i imagined myself flinging him across the room. I remember feeling flushed and nauseous at the image. I read a brief article a month ago about PPOCD and felt some relief because I was worried that I was beginning to have symptoms of psychosis. My mother had it and my sister had severe PPD. I felt relieved that there was a name for what I was feeling and I had been having a much easier time with it.
But the last few days have been bad and I had a dream lastnight that has had me in such a state all day that I climbed on top of my son and stabbed him. This hurts to type. Who imagines this kind of stuff about their own baby?! What kind of mother am i?? I keep telling myself it will get better. But I realize that now I need to talk about it and get help. I finally told my fiance and we are going to get me some help. While driving to help my reflux baby sleep, beyond exhausted myself, I would fantasize about driving into the lake in the middle of a Canadian winter.
How that would mean we could both get some rest. And it would be my fault. I had, and still do, thoughts of regret of having my son. It makes me feel so terrible and so ashamed. I love him, I really do. I have great days with him and I am glad I had him. But sometimes motherhood is so hard and my depression and anxiety cripple me and these thoughts enter my head and I just feel so bad for thinking them.
Then I feel like a terrible person. My baby girl is 8 months old today. Since she was born I have had almost every thought described in this campaign. I am constantly alert and constantly anxious. It is hard to enjoy my beautiful healthy baby and my blessed life. It is pure torture. Does this ever go away? Am I going to be like this the rest of my life?
I am anxious. There,I said it. I feel so strung out and overly sensitive that I can hardly bear any stimulus at all and ask people to lower their voices. Total party pooper. I cook and clean up and research all day long in between walking, interacting with and tending baby. I had scary intrusive thoughts about hurting both myself and my baby…smothering her with a pillow, driving my car off a bridge…they scared the crap out of me…. For a few months after my second child was born, I regularly felt like I wanted to drive my car into a wall.
Not enough to kill me, but enough to hospitalise myself for a week so I could have a break. My husband was working ridiculous and long hours at the time and I have no family locally who could help out. When I broke down at the drs she said I was exhausted and needed to focus on me.
I still occasionally feel like this but admitting to people motherhood sucks some of the time helps me a lot. Pre-partum stress is real too. I am terrified by the feeling that my body is being taken over by another living being growing inside me. I had a lot of scary thoughts during the first weeks of being a new mom. That was the lowest point and since then never thought it again. When I was on maternity, I thought about just leaving.
Leaving the little guy with his dad and getting on with my life. I had one infant and was pregnant with a second when the Andrea Yates story broke. I spent weeks planning how I could do it and get away with it. I used to wake up in a panic, thinking the baby was somewhere in the bed, or that I fell asleep holding her in bed and forgot to put her back in her crib.
The thought of someone breaking into our house or kidnapping her for child sex trafficking. Probably stems from my own fear of heights. I am also terrified that my 7 year old will drop or harm the baby by accident and that i will hate her for it. I imagined someone putting my baby in the microwave. I also imagined her on an open field in the cold, abandoned. Then, I would cry. I imagined throwing my baby out of the window, or down the stairs, or in front of a car. I imagined bashing his head on the corners of furniture.
I imagined holding him under the water while I gave him a bath. I imagined doing sexual acts with him. It was absolutely horrendous. I was terrified that I was a complete monster — after all, what kind of a mother imagines harming her own child? I ought to write out lists of what he likes to eat and drink and describe his favourite toys and games because if anything happens to me then no-one will know how to look after him. What if armed men come into our house? What if I had to choose between the life of my husband or the life of my child? This is awful.
I used to seriously fear my daughter would die in the night and i would plan her funeral in my head obssessively. I wish i had sought help. In my head I could see them blue and rigour mortised. I think sometimes that I am just not wired to be a mother. My son is now one year old and my most vivid memories of our time together so far are the ones when I failed as a mother — when I was impatient, frustrated, or sad. I deal with an overwhelming amount of guilt everyday.
Sometimes I think he would be better off with a different mommy. I am pregnant with our second and I am terrified of just screwing everything up a second time. Giving birth is supposed to be the happiest time of your life. Every morning I woke up id instantly start to cry and scream at everybody and wanted nothing to do with my newborn I wanted to die I wanted to give my daughter up.
What was wrong with me I thought… I love her. Some of the things I see in my head are so disturbing it scares me so much. I almost always settle on putting my son up for adoption and killing myself… The neighbors will call CPS. As a result, images of other moms giving birth or breastfeeding their babies trigger me into painful tears, daily, since he was born, five months ago. I feel awful for asking my family questions about what happened. I resented him and everything he took away from me… we had the hardest time breastfeeding until 5. He was allergic to dairy formula and I refused to give him soy.
It took me a long time to get back to a good place and I felt like myself and got pregnant again bc I always wanted two. And I mostly feel ok but sometimes the stress gets me and today I had the worst intrusive thought. I was driving home from dropping my son at daycare and caught sight of my 7 month old daughter in her mirror and out of nowhere there it was: i thought it would be nice to drop by my friends house to see her and her daughter and I imagined pulling out a gun and shooting myself in the head.
It was so quick and so awful. A gut punch and I started sobbing. I constantly have a highlight reel playing in my head of all of my worst moments as a mother. I want to scream because I feel like this should have been so much better. Not being able to feel like myself again. And that I will go crazy, and it would be to hard for me to get better. Cause taking on the world is a scary thing. And I wish that I can just, be able to leave my baby with his dad.
And have a day to myself. I was angry all of the time. I had to physically bite my own tongue so as not to yell and curse. I just want some alone time. Just a little bit like even 20 minutes to shower alone and comb my hair, but I feel like a bad mom for wanting that. I am their eveything. But I am mad and mean and grouchy and I trying to accept that my personal life is now over. I know its not true but this is how I feel.
I regretted having her and ruining the perfect happy family my husband and I had before she was born. Then I felt like I was the worst mother ever for not knowing what my baby needed. I wanted to be the perfect mother that was in sync with every need my baby had, and not achieving that was unacceptable and everyone would think I was a terrible mother and take her away from me.
That the baby would be hurt and screaming for hours before my husband came home. It could have been me. How far was I from killing myself? From accidentally hurting my babies or worse? Where was my family? Will it be easier for me to start treatment if I get it next time? When my son was a baby he had terrible gas issues that took awhile to figure out. We learned he was lactose intolerant and his formula was hurting him. He would just be up all hours screaming and crying and it was almost impossible to get him to stop unless you were holding him to your chest and bending over and coming back up, over and over again.
Only when he was being held and moved like that would he stop crying. I was a single mom and it was just so hard. No one would have to know, we could just get some sleep, everything would be ok. I felt so horrible for the thought in my head. As the years have gone by i periodically think if i should have ever had kids, if im meant to have kids. Ive always wanted kids its always been my dream but maybe im not supposed to? Im so ready and excited to finally be stable and be able to have more kids! But sometimes im still terrified… what if having another kids sets it all off again and its so much worse than it was the first time?
Maybe there is this monster inside me just ready and waiting and trying to claw its way out of me and ill do something horrible? Recently ive been terrified someone is in my sons room hiding in his closet and waiting for me to go to sleep so he can come out and rape my son. Im afraid there are people who regularly come to watch him through his window as he sleeps. Every night i tuck him into bed and say good night and then i wait and i go in again and check the closet and under his bed and out his window to make sure no one is there to hurt him.
I kept feeling the distinct warmth of blood on my hands as the thoughts of stabbing my son raced through my mind. I feared having a knife at my disposal in the kitchen because I wondered what if I hurt my baby with it. Also fear of a househelp hurting my baby. Sometimes my anxiety has me so on edge that every noise has me on the edge of panic. I have a three year old and a one year old. I never got help, eventually the thoughts went away on their own but it was a miserable year or so until they did. I lost a lot of weight and became emaciated because I struggled to eat and sleep.
I am constantly scared that my baby will get a fever. I get scared all the time that I will hurt him. I am so scared of literally everything. My son is 8 now and I get such severe anxiety that something bad is going to happen that I send myself almost into panic attacks. Its gets really hard and I stay exhausted. Sometimes I feel like know one understands what I am going through.
Letting him play by himself is terrifying. I broke my ankle 5 yrs ago. I had surgery to fix it. I had no help from no one at the time. Well one day I was in so much pain. I took my pain meds. Long story short I fell on top of my child. At the time I was over pounds. Took my child to the hospital, was told his skull was cracked. Cps stepped in right away. Took my child away. I got pregnant while cps was still looking into my life. Well they took that child away too.
For 2 yrs I went threw hell. Not just with myself but with my family too. My oldest sister adopted my children. Last yrs I had my last baby. If she can do it to her than she can do it to me My baby sleeping and im asleep as well and she chokes on milk while she sleep and I wake up to a dead baby. We have a ceramic sink in the kitchen, and I would see myself smashing my baby daughters head against it. I frequently have a strong fear that my partner might be sexually abusing our daughter. I have no reason to think this other than my own history. Nothing in our house was clean, and I had a panic attack after my children came down with a case of the sniffles.
We also had deer mice somehow coming into our house, and I was convinced that we all were going to catch Hantavirus and die. My sweet husband is the most incredible father…he has been from day one. This is beyond disturbing and irrational but my mind keeps going there. These thoughts are so powerful that I find excuses to be in the same room with them. I feel awful about this and could never tell him — this secret eats at me. My imagination turned everything and anything into a weapon. I would have physical responses to these thoughts-I would get hot and my heart would beat faster.
I wanted to hold her close to protect her, and get as far away from her as possible at the same time.
- The Scientific Reason Moms Are Super Tired You've Never Heard.
- Expose Your Cheating Spouse and Erase the Uncertainty in Your Relationship?
- Tattie and the Treasure (Tatties Tales Book 1).
I was absolutely certain I was going insane.
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